Maybe This Will Help…

You know, I write poems and I post stuff here, but I don’t think it’s doing any good. I feel better when I post something but only for a few minutes. It never lasts to the next day – no one cares about my poems. No one cares about anything. I’ve not had a comment in months. How is this supposed to help if no one is reading what I write, and no one responds or has anything to say.

I went to this poetry reading tonight and I read my poem from last week, and no one really even clapped. They rarely do. Maybe I suck. Maybe they are struck by what I said. Probably not. I certainly don’t care for most of their poems…pretentious crap. So what can I expect? Nothing, I guess.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll stop. Try something else.

If you’re out there, let me know. say something. Please.

“if you were mine…” she said
if the tables were turned
well, thumbs in a jar
but thank you anyway, I … just …

wanted to remember
butterflies and confusion
I want to be free again
I wouldn’t screw it up again
I wouldn’t even try…

do unto others…
ignorance is bliss…
can’t justify selfishness
two minutes at a time, I…

stir it up
drag the bottom
do you like what you see?
leave me to it
I will carry
the weight of my memory (misery)

“if you were mine…” she said
if the tables were turned
I … just …

“you’re like a drug…” she said
the high is so high
but, but tomorrow mornin’
open my eyes to new low, I … just …

want another hit
I’ll take the slap
if I can stretch it out
just once again

just want to forget
guilt and regret
I want to be free again
I wouldn’t screw it up again
can’t bring myself to cry…

Hey.

I haven’t felt like posting here in quite a while – I’ve been watching lots of movies and just sitting around – but recently I got out and took some pictures of the city and wrote a couple more poems. I decided I’d get out the video camera and upload the rest of the footage I shot for the video diary and see what I had. I guess I’ll post it soon.

I found this open mic poetry reading near by – I might try bringing my notebook down there and seeing if I feel like reading something. Not sure. We’ll see…

overcoming going under
head above water
climb up to the roof
and try and find some truth

truth is not always the kindest way
but integrity will demand
if you’d admit you don’t already know
you could begin to understand

keep my eyes on the horizon
over under through
further down the road
I’ll have just as far to go

truth is not always the kindest way
but integrity will demand
if you’d admit you don’t already know
you could begin to understand

…and I stood stung
by the sight of her
and the final blow
to my heart was struck
when she looked up
and smiled at me

and I say to myself
you have wound up your life
with the woman there in front of you
strange and wonderful

sometimes when I look at her
I see her differently
the form not familiar
but the knowing not unknown
and I stand away from me
and look to me who looks at her

and I say to myself
you have wound up your life
with the woman there in front of you
strange and wonderful

I could lay here forever
Let the sun burn blisters on me
Can’t let this slip by unsaid
What do you see when you look in me?

I have gained a measure of
acceptance of confusion
All the scars are healed
but they’ll never go away
There is no door to the
cage but stay anyway

“As yes is to if, love is to yes”*
“Better mistrust undeserved than rash words”*

But I keep on doing this
smooth as the night goes in the dawn
comes on me like passing out
Don’t even know it’s here till it’s gone

“But that’s all nonsense
and wide of my mark”**
I need you to want to,
not to understand.
A fool is thought wise
if his mouth is shut.
The smell of flowers
my thoughts on you

Okay, let’s try this again…

Got a new camera, again. The one I talk about in this episode got stolen, as I mentioned in the notes for the last entry. Guess I’ve had bad luck with cameras.

Anyway, in this entry I talked about the old camera getting ruined, and the day I proposed to you.

I’ll try to be better about posting. It’s tough to stick with anything these days…

Sorry to be so inconsistent, it’s just hard to do this. It’s probably good for me though…

So my camera got stolen, but i found this bit of footage from us playing fetch with Harley in the back yard at your old place. She sure likes playing fetch.

Now she just wants to lay in the chair. It’s like she’s listening for you to come home…

Well, it’s been a little while. I haven’t felt like posting anything.

Anyway, I recorded this the day I bought you the tickets to the Kentucky Derby. I still have them…

When I started editing what I had recorded I realized I say “Um” a lot. I thought it might be funny to edit together a gag reel for the end of your present. This is as far as I got…

I recorded this entry when you were up in Oregon for work last summer.

Looking back now I wish I had gone with you. Every minute away from you was a waste of time.

I remember this day. I was so happy to be getting published in something other than the magazine.

You were so happy for me too. Thank you for all your inspiration. I miss you.

Here is the first installment of my video diary for my fiancé Anabella.